i’m making a concious effort to keep up, but i won’t fill your space with minute, irrelevant details.
i just want to say i am making a list and checking it twice; i’m gonna figure out what the fuck i want to do with my life.
and forget so many times. and then what is there left but your own fucking stupidity? goodbye, goodbye— you were once my sunshine. and so, maybe i have reached the end.
i started writing a new fiction piece.. i don’t know if i will continue with it, but this is the beginning:
“What story are you trying to tell?” She interrupts me.
“I’m not trying to tell a story,” I seethe. She watches my face change; clearly, there’s evidence of anger simmering beneath the surface. She knows what buttons to push: color coordination. GREEN means GO; RED means NO. The small pit of heat flares in my stomach and I am raging inside myself. Can she see it in my eyes? God, I hope so.
“What are you trying to say then?” She asks the same question with different words.
“It is not what I am trying to say…” I begin.
She cuts me off, “Why are you even going there?”
“How can you tell where I’m going when I haven’t even begun?”
“I know you.”
“You don’t, you just think you do. You, in all your self righteousness, think you know much more than you really do.”
“Quit. I don’t want to fight. Just say what you’re going to say,” she fumes.
“You are impossible,” I say. I don’t even care to expand; I don’t feel the need anymore. I know that look; I am more than defeated, I am deflated. I don’t even care to advise her because I know she does not want nor does she accept anything I have to say. Age doesn’t bring wisdom, experience does. And she feels like she has more than enough experience to make up for the countless years between us. I am not wiser, only older; I am not smarter, only more knowledgeable of my own life.
“Forget it,” she says. “Forget it.”
I forgot it.
today was the longest day of my life.
i woke up at like 4 (i kid you not). i have had nothing better to do than just sleep in lately and that’s kind of wearing me out (who woulda thunk?). i am beginning to tire of sleeping and idly occupying myself. my sanity is fading, that’s for sure. and i am in huge need of human interaction of any kind. for instance, AIM is satisfying my social needs right now. is that sad?
so, because i thought it was that kind of day, upon waking i decided to have a few white russians (honestly, what better things do i have to do?). so, i had about 3 over the course of less than 2 hours and…… NOTHING! absolutely nothing. unfair! but, damn them and their chocolate milk-like goodness!
i guess the good thing was that they propelled me to sit down and actually watch a movie.. wait, wait.. scratch that! TWO WHOLE MOVIES. i don’t remember the last time i sat around and watched movies by myself. it was wholesome, but at the same time depressing (however lame that sounds). i guess it kind of made me realize how completely alone i have been for the past few days; it’s kind of a weird change because i am one of those extroverts (for the most part) that really thrives off other people’s energy.. but, that’s not why i’m here. you can learn enough about me from the things i present to you.
so, that being said, while watching john tucker must die, i came up with this (and i really don’t know exactly why):
“this is from where i write.. it is not from where i “dream.” it comes from the only real and functional thoughts in my head. i do not like the idea that i can form throughts from a shut down state of being. it is these moments of which i live. and it is these moments of which i write. i respond to something because i can’t accept that nothing comes from something. i think this is a test. they are contributing to our truest values and deepest beliefs. you have to live to feel and you have to write those things because you need a reminder to be who you are. who you are is the only thing that matters.”
and then there was this:
“is it wrong that i dream about my future? not my wedding or my first job? it’s about owning my own car & paying my own bills because that is a symbol that i am holding my own… that i am making my way in the world.”
with that, i bid you adieu (because what else do i have to bid you?)
common’s universal mind control pretty much rocks my world.
last night, i was graced by the presence of indie/hip-hop crew gym class heroes. the show actually blew me away and made me appreciate their music a little more. i love when shows make you even more excited about a band you already liked in the first place. nobody loses! got to meet the guitarist and the bassist (who clearly doesn’t have an attention span above three minutes of intelligent conversation &/or boobs). regardless, the guitarist was pretty rad. he kept up a conversation for a little while before being whisked away into the wonderful world of fan girls ;) but, he did give me and my friend phil a pick from the show! that was exciting. i didn’t get to meet travis.. probably could have, but i don’t think it was worth the wait in the long line pre-formed outside their tourbus. plus, i wasn’t feeling incredibly stalk-ish or anything.. not like i am with STD and MCS. :P
in other news, got common’s new album universal mind control and i am thrilled by its presence. i think it’s fantastic. “what a world” has definitely stuck out the most. “changes” is pretty thrilling too, ending with that fantabulous excerpt from barack obama’s speech. rad!
tonight, i’m off to olive garden with my roomie for a little one on one time. i am such a sucker for that restaurant.. even though everyone else thinks it sucks and is totally a redneck establishment (i beg to differ). whatevaaaaa.
point of the story? common’s new album rocks and gym class heroes rapped my face off. i’m in love <3
this christmas break isn’t turning out too shabby after all.. whaddya know?
today was a good day.
talk about getting into some funky shit, i partied it up with my ladies at a pig roast (sans piggies; there was a grease fire) yesterday afternoon. the beer started flowing at 11 a.m. & didn’t stop until i passed out (srsly, god only knows when). what i remember was fun games, great people, and lotsa laughter. can’t quit go wrong with that. oh! and the delicious apricot+cranberry glazed pork (to die for [tdf])—- ooooooh my god. what i DO remember is waking up half naked at 12:30 a.m. (yes, roughly 12 hours AFTER i began enjoying the festivities) and realizing i had to jet and visit another friend. half drunkeness is silly awesome. also, purchasing condoms at walmart a la 1 in the a.m. is never a disappointing experience.
anyway, i spent most of today in RECUP [ree-koop] mode and drove my happy ass back to good ole tallatrashy— my most favorite place ever (liar). but, hey, now i’m back in my own space and there’s not a whole lot going on.. and i’m okay with that, because sometimes all you really need to get yourself together is a little space and alone time.
oh & huge shout out to hercules (my ball python) for being a trooper and staying in his cage for 4 days straight. way to go, baybay… hope those mice were dee-lish! ;)
one more side note: i’m 20 years old now.. whaddya know about that? thinking about writing a story encompassing a detailed chronological history of ages & corresponding events. we’ll see though, we’ll see.